FOUR ITEMS, FOUR WAYS TO SAY “STUFF MY STOCKING”

Asking for what you want is difficult. People are all like, “What do you want for the holidays?” and you’re all like, “Oh, don’t get me anything. I don’t need anything” while internally you’re all like,

I’d love a GoPro, a new blow dryer, a Martha Stewart cookbook, a shake weight, six pairs of destroyed jeans…

We’re here to help. Here are four ways to slyly hint at what you want for the holidays, choosing selects from East Dane:

SUNNIES: a.k.a. the perfect pair of round, metal-framed sunglasses.

You say, “OMG, it’s SO sunny out, my eyes hurt, I wish I had SOMETHING to shield them from the sun, oh, awwwwww, they hurt so much, ahhhh, my eyes need SOMETHING to protect them. It’s just SO SUNNY out. My eyes. MY EYES.”

Genius.

BAGS, BAGS, BACKPACKS: a.k.a. a red backpack. A RED BACKPACK.

You say, “You know, I’d love to be able to look in the mirror, one day, and tell myself, ‘baby got back’” and then you whisper *pack; baby got such a nice backpack*

So sly.

CUFFS, CUFFS, CUFFS: a.k.a. the first step in what will become a progression to asking for a diamond bracelet, surely. Men DEFINITELY need diamonds.

You say, “oh, no, my poor wrists.” They say, “oh, no! What’s wrong?!” You say, “they just feel so naked. They need SOMETHING” and then you cough *cuff* and then cough again *a cuff, they need a cuff*.

Brilliant.

SNEAKERS: a.k.a. the PERFECT pair of 70s-inspired canvas Converse.

You say, “I just wish my feet were a little more SNEAKY, you know? SNEAKY. They’re just soooo the opposite. They’re not SNEAKY. Not SNEAKY at all.”

Amazing.